Maxine Moments . . .

GOOD OLD MAXINE STRIKES AGAIN . . .






And last but not least . . .

Maxine's Wisdom on "Train of Thoughts"!

Does this sound familiar to you??!!   LOL!

Summer in September!

It's a little warm today - 98 degrees!

Another "Summer Funny"!

 

Today's Joke

A "COOL" joke to cool you off in this 100 degree weather we are having . . . 

Gina got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it". Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with WalMart; now you can follow me over to K-Mart."         LOL!!!

Laughter in Crisis

After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas.

A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station.

"You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."

Aging - Getting Old!

Well, today is my birthday!!!  Happy Birthday to me!! I love "Maxine" and her "years" of practical advice!!   I'm sure she must have seen it all in her days!!!  Really though, she can get by with saying things the normal everyday person won't think of really saying!!  But I'll take her advise on "aging" as I pass on to this next year.  I realize that I am one year "older" but I truly hope I have also become one year "wiser"!  It really isn't the number of candles on the birthday cake but the number of lessons learned in life that really count. The number of people's lives that I have touched and offered encouragement, joy, and laughter to. It is not only the number of lives that I have touched . . . but the number of lives that have touched me and been there for me.  2012 was a unique year for me wrapping up with my "Christmas Miracle". A MRI showed I had two malignant tumors the size of tangerines embedded in my brain. My "Christmas Miracle" resulted in removal of both tumors from the lining of the brain - not embedded in the brain and no sign of cancer! I thank all who have been there to encourage me.  I am looking forward to 2013 with great anticipation of new things, new hopes and new dreams. No longer in the caterpillar/cocoon mode but that of the beautiful butterfly soaring high in the sky and stopping to smell the beauty of each colorful flower along the way!  

Another birthday . . . another candle . . . another day!!!

A Different Type Of Prayer

Heavenly Father,

Help us remember, that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night, is a single mother, who worked nine hours that day and was rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.

Help us to remember, that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day, is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.

Help us to remember, that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.

Help us to remember that those in our country that do not speak 'our' language may be able to speak the language of love, if we would be patient, and understand that they feel alone, and out of place, and are looking for a new beginning from a place of poverty, persecution, and hopelessness to a place of security, freedom, and a promise for a future.

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts, not just to those who are close to us, but to all humanity.

Let us be slow to judgment and quick to forgiveness and patience and empathy and love.

Just for Today

Just for Today ...

.. smile at a stranger

.. listen to someone's heart

.. drop a coin where a child can find it

.. learn something new, then teach it to someone

.. tell someone you're thinking of them

.. hug a loved one

.. don't hold a grudge

.. don't be afraid to say "I'm sorry"

.. look a child in the eye and tell them how great they are

.. don't kill that spider in your house, he's just lost so show him 

   the way out

.. look beyond the face of a person into their heart

.. make a promise, and keep it

.. call someone, for no other reason than to just say "Hi"

.. show kindness to an animal

.. stand up for what you believe in

.. smell the rain, feel the breeze, listen to the wind

.. use all your senses to their fullest

.. cherish all your TODAYS

~ Author Unknown

Twinkies

In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, I subjected the Hostess snack logs to the
following experiments:

Exposure

A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of substance.

Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its
original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially
dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of
industrial foam insulation; the filling, however, retained its advertised
"creaminess."

Radiation

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds,
the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial
butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of
burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes, 10 seconds when
thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was
subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten, white filling.
When cooled, this now epoxy-like filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate,
defying gravity it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.

Extreme Force

A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120
feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected
"splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the
Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained
structurally intact.

Extreme Cold

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the
Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had
noticeably "slowed." The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of
acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercury-like property of not adhering to
practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the
freezer odors.

Extreme Heat

A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and
blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did
not catch fire. It did, however, produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed
in the irradiation experiment.

Immersion

A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated
momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its
lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2
hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan
-- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie
bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours the Twinkie
had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned
opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the
"cream holes." Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis
were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an
amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.

Summary of Results

The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual
phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should
give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as
"food." Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can
be drawn.

So be it said that I will not be eating "TWINKIES"!!!

Hymns For The Aging

Precious Lord, Take my Hand (And Help Me Get Up)

It is Well with My Soul (but my back hurts)

Nobody Knows the Trouble I have Seeing

Amazing Grace (Considering My Age)

Just a Slower Walk With Thee

Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One

Go Tell It on the Mountain (And Speak Up)

Give Me that Old Timers Religion

Blessed Insurance

Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah (I've forgotten where I parked)

It's so hot in Iowa . . .

IT'S SO HOT in Iowa.....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.

.....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
.....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance
.....hot water comes from both taps
.....you can make sun tea instantly.
.....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
.....the temperature drops below 90 F and you feel a little chilly.
.....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car (one on each hand)
.....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
.....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
.....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 5:30 A.M.
.....your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
.....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
.....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
.....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
.....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

IT'S SO DRY here in Iowa that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water

Out of the Mouths of Babes!

The Sunday school teacher asked a little boy: "How old are you?" The little chap
said, "Seven. And how old are you?" She replied,"I'm 70." Amazed the
little darling said, "Whoa, you're almost dead!" (from Eduardo Bracier, Spain)

My young daughter had received a pretend doctor's bag as a birthday gift.
Wearing her plastic stethoscope around her neck one day she said, "Daddy, let's
play doctor. I'll be the doctor; You be the one who waits." (from Don Kerns)

Little David noticed a dead fly on the window sill. Calling over his mommy he
asked her, "What's wrong with the fly? Is it broken?" She said, "No, dear, the
fly is dead." Without hesitation David replied, "Oh. It needs new batteries."
(from Heath Glandon)

As a tyke, my grandpa was carrying me through the doors of the church sanctuary
and my sweet "little" voice was heard by all telling them, "And now I have to
keep my big mouth shut!" (from Kathy Noren)

My two young daughters were playing one day when I heard the older one tell the
younger one, "When we get to heaven we get a new body." After a short pause,
"and a new head too." (from Norman)

The Fatherhood Cycle

The Fatherhood Cycle

4 years: "My Daddy can do anything."
7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot."
12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either."
14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned."
21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?"
25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much."
30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks."
35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision."
40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart."
50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything."
60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man."

You are a lousy cook if . . .

You are a lousy cook if.…

You are a lousy cook if....

Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren.

Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.

Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.

Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.

Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.

Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.

Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

No matter what you do to it the gravy still turns bright purple.

Lots of laughs here with this one!!!

Recipe for a Prosperous, Peaceful Year!

 

Take twelve, fine, full-grown months, see that these are free from all old

memories of bitterness, rancor, hate and jealousy; cleanse them completely from

every clinging spite: pick off all specks of pettiness and littleness; in short,

see that these months are freed as much as possible from the past.

Cut these months into 29, 30 or 31 equal parts. This batch will keep for just

one year. Do not attempt to make up the whole batch at one time (so many persons

spoil the entire lot in this way), but prepare one day at a time, as follows:

Into each day put

twelve parts of faith,

eleven of patience,

ten of courage,

nine of work,

eight of hope,

seven of fidelity,

six of liberality,

five of kindness,

four of rest,

three of prayer,

two of meditation,

and one well selected resolution.

If you have no conscientious scruples, put in about a teaspoonful of good

spirits, a dash of fun, a pinch of folly, a sprinkling of play, and a heaping

cupful of good humor.

Pour into the whole love ad libitum and mix with a vim. Cook thoroughly in a

fervent heat; garnish with a few smiles and a sprig of joy; then serve with

quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness, and a Happy New Year is certain.

Daylight Savings Time!!

Don't forget to set your clocks!!!

Fixing Bicycles

I love stories. One of my favorites is about a little girl who was late coming home for supper. Her mother made the expected irate parent's demand to know where she had been.

The little girl replied that she had stopped to help Janie, whose bicycle was broken in a fall. "But you don't know anything about fixing bicycles," her mother responded.  "I know that," the girl said. "I just stopped to help her cry."
                               - Murray Lancaster

Not many of us know anything about fixing bicycles, either. And when our friends have fallen and broken, not their bicycles but their lives, NONE of us knows how to fix that. We simply cannot "fix" someone else's life, even though that's what we would like most to do.

But like the little girl, we can stop to help them cry. That is the best we can do. And that is a lot!

Sometimes that is just what we need - a shoulder to cry on - a hug - a smile - a phone call - an email - - - let's reach out to one another this new year and make it a better place to live!!

Why Women Would Love Being Santa Claus.

1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.

2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.

3. You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert's and consider it a job requirement.

4. One big black belt - accessorized for life!

5. There'd be no reason to have your colors done.

6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.

7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled... that is when you giggled... like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.

8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.

9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty "'Ho! Ho! Ho!", would remind everyone who's boss.

10. You wouldn't need an expensive briefcase.

11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.

12. Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.

13. No more trips to the vending machine... you'd just snack on milk and cookies all day.

14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.

15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.

16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.

17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.

18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.

19. No one would ask to see your job description.

20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.

Mad Cow Conversation Jokes

Two cows are conversing in a field. . .

The first one says to the other, "Have you heard about this 'mad cow disease' that is going around?"
The second cow responds, "Yeah, but I'm not worried about it; I'm an airplane!"

Just Being There

Just be there when someone around you needs a shoulder to cry on, a listening heart - hear them out, a laugh from deep within as they share their inner most thoughts, feelings, and dreams!  Just be there for those times when you can give insight and thought and encouragement.  Those special times when you can point the way to HOPE!  When nothing seems possible there is always HOPE! And let us never forget that!!